Seven years ago today, Kevin and I delivered our first baby: a precious baby girl named Kaitlyn. She was stillborn at 27 weeks. The days and weeks that followed are pretty much a blur in my mind, but I have a few random memories from that time. Like the "walk of shame" - the long, empty walk out of the maternity ward without a baby to bring home - I sobbed loudly the whole way. Also, there was the moment when we went to pick up Kaitlyn's ashes from the funeral home and they asked if I was "the mother" and I realized that it was the first time I remembered being called a mother. There was a ton of support from family and friends, meals were brought, cards and flowers came in. Life moved on around us, and all I could think about was "my baby is dead."
It is so hard to believe that those memories belong to me now. It is crazy to think that 7 years ago my arms felt so empty that I could hardly breathe, while now I am constantly being reminded (often by random strangers in the grocery store) that my hands are full. I can look back and tell you a million positives that came out of that dark time. Like the fact that I now see each child for the blessing that they truly are, the fact that I am a better mother, that I love my children better, that my husband and I have a stronger marriage, and that my relationship with Christ is better - all of these are good things that came out of those dark days. But the greatest part is something I never could have imagined. It is the blessing of knowing that one of my six children now lives safely and securely with Jesus. She will never know pain or heartache; she will never rebel or run from Christ. She lives in happiness. She is the one child I will never have to worry about. This has made me understand the "hope we have in Christ" so much better.
Seven years later I thank God for precious time on earth with Kaitlyn, but I also thank God for the opportunity to hold and love on 5 additional blessings. I pray that God will bring all of our children to Him and give us wisdom as we do our best to raise them to know Him on earth until we can all know Him together in heaven.
